I Know You Havent Dated Somebody and I Know You Stressed Out
Over the past few years it seems that almost every dating dilemma I hear from my coaching clients and girlfriends has something to do with texting. Texting and dating definitely isn't just for twenty yr olds anymore. These women are all dating subsequently 40…some in their 60s and 70s.
"Sue" connected with a man on Tinder, they had a couple emails, and then he started texting. He sent her pictures of the baseball game he attended. He told her nigh his crappy day at work. She told him nearly her car trouble and he responded 'why didn't you ask me to come help?'
So they had a java date. Information technology went well. The texting went on. They "talked" on and off all solar day. He complimented her and made her laugh. He told her how busy he was and she felt flattered that he was keeping in bear upon.
The next week the texts tapered, and then he stopped responding. She asks me "I idea he was so into me. What should I do???"
"Lila's" guy told her all these wonderful things and poured his center out via texts for two weeks. But he never followed through with an actual in person engagement. She wants to know what that means.
"Melissa" stayed upwardly until 3 AM texting with her dude. They had one date 3 weeks prior, and since information technology's only been texting. Simply it is so romantic! She is falling for him. She wants to know how to stop obsessing over him existence The I.
Texting has certainly complicated dating and relationships. I'yard going to requite y'all some directly scoop nigh what texting actually means and doesn't mean. And, nearly importantly, how you can take control of the situation – similar a grownup!
The only thing y'all should assume when you're getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with y'all. He's feeling entertained and he's enjoying your responsiveness.
1. Texting is NOT dating.
Do not assume that getting a bunch of texts from a guy means you are having a relationship. Yous're not even dating. If a man is choosing to only text or primarily text, he's not showing signs of wanting to go to know you lot in a meaningful way.
The only affair you should assume when you're getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He's feeling entertained and he's enjoying your responsiveness.
Sure, he wouldn't be spending any time if he wasn't attracted to you, but if he's solely texting, he doesn't recall of yous equally a potential partner. Expecting him to motion on to something more serious isn't realistic. In fact, it usually means quite the reverse. These guys disappear.
Why they disappear doesn't affair. Whether it's considering they constitute someone else, were just playing or because they got scared — that's 100% immaterial. You know what you need to know: he isn't a good, grownup human being worth your time.
There are so many ways to know if a man is a serious guy who is interested in getting to know you. He steps up by calling and settings upwardly dates. He tries to larn well-nigh you and your life. He makes an effort to spend time with y'all. He does little things to try to brand you happy.
If you lot are like Sue, Lila or Melissa, here is what you need to know: Continuous texting, when void of in-person meeting, creates a imitation sense of connectedness. You feel like you lot are getting to know one another, but that is not what's happening.
A text 'human relationship' is simply like being a player in a game. It'south a blazon of false connectedness that sets upwards incredibly unrealistic assumptions and expectations. I've seen countless women create complete fantasies and go drawn in — frequently earlier they even see a man.
And the opposite happens too. With no tonality in messages, texting back and forth creates enormous opportunities to misread and misunderstand intent. I can't tell you how many emails I've received from coaching clients with a text conversation pasted in and the question: What do y'all call back he means (aka WTF)????
(Honestly, half the time I don't know what a guy means based on twelve words on a screen. And even if I call back I do know, I'm loathe to guess. I propose she asks him to call her.
Exist aware, continue your emotions in check and stay in reality. You don't know him. And go on reading here to learn how to go the texter to move on to the phone or an in-person appointment.
(Want to learn more almost how to know when a man is really interested? Yous can watch my costless webcast How to Know When He's Into You. )
ii. Some men use texting to string you lot along…period.
If yous are getting texts along with calls and dates, and then excellent! He's interested in getting to know y'all and likely looking for a human relationship.
But if there is no actual in-person contact – beware!
You probably know the guy who texts once in a while as a kind of check in. He tells you how much he likes you and fifty-fifty acts super interested in your life. He flirts. He says how busy he is and how he'd really honey to see you soon. And it ends there.
That guy is what I call a "pinger."
Pingers want an ego boost. They text you and, when you answer positively, become the high of knowing that you're notwithstanding a willing pick when (and if) he wants to actually spend time with yous.
With just ten minutes time and a few well chosen keystrokes, a adept pinger can keep you interested for months, even years…without and then much as i date. (This happens with telephone calls also.)
If yous are involved with a pinger, girlfriend, you lot demand to end that and then-called relationship correct now. You can read more than near pingers and acquire what you tin can do with them by reading this article : Why Does He Go on Disappearing and Reappearing?
3. Texting equally a way of dating is generally for boys, non men.
If y'all haven't met him yet and he's texting to encounter if yous tin go together on brusk observe, don't be flattered. He's either impulsive or, more likely, using you lot as a back-up girl when his other plans barbarous through.
If you like him and are willing to requite him a chance, then respond with a positive 'thanks simply no cheers." You want to say something similar this:
"Information technology would be dandy to see you, Bob, but I take plans this night. Love to gather with a petty more notice next time. Enjoy your evening."
Put information technology out at that place and see what happens. A grownup guy who truly wants to know yous will get the message and enquire you out alee of fourth dimension. A thespian or user guy will text you again in a few weeks wanting to run into y'all that night. Have it for what it is – he'south probably not serious nigh dating and he'south going down his list, hoping you seize with teeth. Don't answer.
iv. Texting does have a positive place in dating.
Texting tin exist a great complement to real dating. For instance, it'due south a smashing mode to analyze plans or make last minute updates to the plan.
A man who wants a healthy, mature connection will brand every effort to show you he'south interested and to actually run across you in person. Why? Because that's how men decide if they like y'all. It's all about how he FEELS when he'due south with you, and he knows it. So if he's looking for something more than one fun night, a proficient man will do what he can to impress you lot by request you lot out, and and then exist in your presence.
Texting is also good for a quick "had a squeamish time" or "sleep well" note following a nice date. Or a "looking forward to slurping spaghetti with you Friday." Let him know yous're thinking of him and appreciate him. Make information technology elementary, and exit it there. If yous don't hear back, motility on.
Here's what to do next to brand sure you lot don't go stuck on the wrong guy again…
v. If he's a grownup good guy, you can kindly go him off texting.
I can see why even skilful, solid, unmarried men love texting. If he sees your pic and contour and wants to meet you, the hunter in him wants to get directly to the result: meeting you. This is also true of some women I know. They feel that chatting first just gets in the way and would rather skip the phone and/or e-mail.
But I'll say it over again, doing a bunch of texting first creates an unrealistic sense of connection. If you want a little more, like a telephone telephone call commencement, it's up to you to become off the texting treadmill and ask for what yous want. And if he is serious about meeting a woman for a real human relationship, he will stride up.
How do you exercise that? Simply say something like this if he seems to exist stuck on texting:
"It would be keen to hear the voice connected to these neat texts and emails. I'd love a phone phone call when you've got fourth dimension. Hope that works for you! 555-1212."
OR
"Thanks for getting in touch. I'd like to go to know you but I find texting isn't the all-time way. But catching upwardly with you over java might be ;)."
And then…the bottom line on texting and dating is this: use texting sparingly, wisely and, most of all, don't read too much into it. Remember, existent life and real honey happen in person, smiling to smile, touch to touch. Non on your phone or your computer.
I would LOVE to hear your texting stories and respond your questions well-nigh how to make it work for you while dating or in your human relationship. Exit me your comments below.
Source: https://datelikeagrownup.com/texting-and-dating-after-40/
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